The Losses We Don’t Talk About
Recently I’ve been training with Griefline as a volunteer counsellor. With a deepened understanding of grief from this, I can actually see it woven through many coaching conversations.
In my own life I’ve known grief... the prolonged early dementia of my mum. The sudden death of my brother in his 20s. A sudden accident followed by the long suffering of my father. Near death events of my own. Different flavours of heartbreak (who knew it could be broken so many different ways!). The topic is familiar and profoundly important.
Grief is our response to loss. It is entirely natural, takes many forms, and most key to know is that it arises from loss. So whenever there is loss in any aspect of your life, there is potential for grief.
There are the death-related losses that tear the ground from beneath our feet. And there are also many non-death losses we silently endure, ignore or neglect. The job application that doesn’t progress (the loss of hope). The career that feels like it is stalling (the loss of purpose). The reflection in the mirror that reminds us time is moving (the loss of perceived power or vitality). Each one adds weight to our lives, especially when they touch hope, purpose or a dream. These three are the losses I see most often in lives, careers and leadership.
Once more so it makes sense for us... What is grief? It is your natural and adaptive response to loss. There are many types of grief depending on the situation and your experience of it.
And what is loss? It is not only about death. It is the loss of anything that gives you identity, purpose, certainty, connection or meaning. It is what happens when something that once offered stability or belonging changes or disappears.
I see grief scattered across offices misunderstood as frustration, burnout or stuckness. I see the attempt to outrun it through control and volume instead of meeting it with space and softness. Grief is not a flaw in the system. It is the system working as intended, helping you adjust to new realities and open to new possibilities.
🎯Grief is a response to loss. It helps you adjust, and is a sign that something is ready to transform, grow and expand.
👉 If life or work feels heavier than it should, let’s explore what’s changing beneath the surface and uncover what’s ready to grow.
Part 2: Career Crossroads
I hear frequently from leaders and professionals who have reached a career crossroad and are navigating what to do next. In the end, in every instance, turning inwards has been the most appropriate action.
Not another framework, not another plan, or a motivational speech, but an inward turn. Heading inwards allows you to upgrade your operating system, and from that place, fresh eyes see fresh paths you would have never seen with the old eyes.
At this stage of career people can feel invisible. After decades of being relied upon, respected and needed, the world seems to move on without them. Beneath the surface sits a quiet fear of irrelevance, of losing the power or vitality that once defined them, and concern about what the future holds. In one sense this is true, there is loss here, and therefore there is grief. Allowing space for that truth is essential. In another sense, what often reveals itself is not an ending at all, but a beginning. The end of a cycle of being and the birth of something new.
It is not just professional transition, there can often be unrecognised grief. The loss of being seen. The loss of identity. The loss of future dreams that may no longer unfold. There is also the loss of belonging as peers retire or move on, the loss of confidence that comes with changing times, and the quiet acceptance that things will never quite be as they were.
Taking steps here begins with learning how to accept. Acceptance is not a single act, it is a daily practice and art. When a part of us rises in anger or fear, that part also needs acceptance. The part that feels forgotten or unwanted needs soothing, not rejection. Learning to meet ourselves with gentleness, as impossible as it feels, is the beginning of healing. The more impossible it feels, the more you fear it may undo you, the more it is needed.
This is the precipice of a paradigm shift. It will look unfamiliar, probably wrong at first, defences rise up, because you do not yet have the eyes for what is coming. Life may be orchestrating this very situation so you can learn to make new choices.
My advice; find ways to go inwards. Explore your values, your early memories, your ways of being. Notice your patterns and the paradigms you have lived within. Bring fresh light to yourself and move forward with a life of your own design.
🎯 When your old identity no longer fits, the way forward is not action but acceptance, allowing a new version of you to emerge.
👉 If you are standing at a crossroads, unsure what’s next, let’s explore what this moment is really asking of you.
Part 3: One Reason Growth Can Be Hard
Grief often appears when we begin to outgrow our old ways of working. The structured, maybe even rigid, person who once thrived on logic, knowing and control starts to sense the limits of their own framework. They begin to crave meaning, creativity or freedom, yet entering that space can feel unfamiliar, uncertain and deeply uncomfortable.
I remember this transition personally. I had built intense structure around myself to feel safe and in control. It served me for a long time, a kind of scaffolding that held me steady. But as I grew inwards, I began to see I no longer needed it. Taking it down was unsettling and at times terrifying. The illusion of knowing, the illusion of control, and the illusion of safety in repetition were all false comforts I had to release before I could experience life as it truly is.
Your structured, linear approach may have forecast a clear path ahead, the next role, the next level, the next milestone. Then something changes. Perhaps you change. What once seemed obvious no longer feels right, or no longer becomes possible. The loss of that imagined future, the one you quietly built your identity around, can carry deep grief of its own.
What got you here will not get you there, and that can feel like the death of who you used to be. Letting go of the familiar, even for something better, still involves loss. Growth asks you to release the very patterns that once made you successful, and that release is often painful. It is not failure, it is grieving the old self.
To take steps here means shifting from an external focus to an internal one. For years you may have fit within other people’s systems, worked inside their structures and measured worth by their standards. Now you get to create. Connect with yourself. Learn to be with yourself. Understand your own depth. As you build that depth and connection, like the roots of a tree, new branches and leaves will naturally emerge.
🎯 Growth often means grieving the future you once imagined so you can create the life that truly fits who you have become.
👉 If growth feels uncomfortable right now, that’s often where the real change begins. Book an on-demand session and start this week.
Part 4: The Numerous Losses of Working Life
There are many losses in professional life that rarely get spoken about. The loss of health through burnout. The loss of community through remote work and distance. The loss of belonging after a restructure or redundancy. The loss of trust after disappointment or betrayal. The loss of self belief when a once clear direction becomes uncertain. These are forms of grief that unfold quietly but deeply.
There is grief when something still exists in form but has shifted in meaning. The job remains, but the joy is gone. The organisation is intact, but the sense of purpose is not. People remain present, but emotionally distant. Ambiguous grief like this occurs when something or someone is physically present but psychologically or emotionally absent.
We also see it when new leaders arrive and familiar patterns dissolve. When contracts end for both the person leaving and those who stay behind. . When change resets what once felt known. The loss of an expected future, of recognition, of control, or of belonging can trigger grief that lingers beneath the surface.
The way forward may begin with connection, compassion and social support which can take many forms such as a trusted listener, a meaningful conversation, a sense of belonging, or a shared activity that reconnects you with life. In leadership and organisational life, this may mean cultivating environments where people feel safe to speak about loss without shame.
In my coaching I draw on ideas from Emotionally Focused work to help you recognise and regulate emotion and strengthen secure ways of relating. From Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I use practical tools to notice thinking patterns, test assumptions and shift unhelpful behaviours. From Internal Family Systems I help you identify protective and vulnerable parts and lead them from a steadier core Self. From Acceptance and Commitment Therapy I bring acceptance, present-moment awareness, clarity of values and small committed actions.
Every loss carries the potential for transformation. Part of grieving is integrating the past with the present and the future, transforming pain into wisdom and meaning.
🎯 When loss is acknowledged and supported, grief becomes the bridge between what ended and what can begin again.
👉 As the year closes, pause before stepping into the next. If you’re ready to end this year with clarity and start the new one grounded and intentional, let’s talk.
Part 5: Growing Through Grief
Grief at work is not only about tragedy, it is about transition. It asks us to acknowledge what has ended before we can fully inhabit what comes next. We grow around grief, as Lois Tonkin described, rather than waiting for it to disappear.
In my own life, grief has taken many forms. Some of it was intense and overwhelming, moments that stopped everything. Other times it was light but constant, spread thin across many areas of life. The former was hard to survive, the latter hard to notice, yet neither was easier. Each demanded its own kind of courage. Processing grief, in all its flavours, has been the single most powerful act of self love I have ever done. It has also been the most important for my happiness, my fulfilment, and my ability to simply be myself.
When we name what has been lost, whether it is a role, a dream or a sense of purpose, we stop resisting change and start integrating it. That is where strength and authenticity begin to form. Grief teaches us to stay human in systems that often forget what being human means.
Forward movement through grief begins when we make space for it. Griefline describes this process as one of integration, where we learn to live with loss, build new meaning and reconnect with life. It is about weaving the experience into who we are becoming, rather than who we were. This applies equally to careers, leadership and life.
In careers, this might look like reframing endings as evolution rather than failure. In leadership, it might mean allowing vulnerability and empathy to guide the rebuilding of trust and culture. In life, it can mean rediscovering purpose through connection, creativity or contribution. The key is not to rush through grief but to move with it, letting it open new possibilities as it softens old patterns.
Taking time to talk, reflect and seek meaning transforms loss into wisdom. It may not feel like growth, but slowly the heart expands around what was lost. Space opens. Something new begins. When we allow loss to move through us, we do not just recover, we deepen. We carry forward a clearer sense of who we are and what matters most, ready for the next chapter.
🎯 Processing grief is not about letting go of what was, but growing into who you are becoming.
👉 As the year ends, I help professionals and leaders reset, clarify direction, and step into 2026 with purpose, focus and renewed energy.
💡 I help leaders, teams, and professionals unlock their full potential by uncovering the real patterns limiting decisions and behaviours.
