The Everyday Unconscious: Real Moments From This Week
Part 1: The Surface Cycle
Transformation attempts are like seeds in the soil. Most never take root. So, what's the challenge to undertaking a transformation journey that defeats most before they even start?
The challenge is that we try to change life from the same level of awareness that created it. We lock ourselves into our own prison. In this article, I want to share real examples from this just week alone that show how that happens, and what it looks like to take that next step out of the prison. How to change your own awareness.
We all know about 'unknown unknowns'. We know that 95% of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours are unconscious. We nod because we know, but we cannot truly grasp what that means, because what is unconscious is precisely what we do not yet know. Curious.
A friend I spoke to this week provided a clear, live (and unwitting example), it's ok there are no names. He's deeply committed to his physical goals, training hard, tracking metrics, optimising recovery, and always striving for 'more' in his life. But despite all of this he's always stressed, stretched, lacking in what he wants. His inner world remains unexamined and uninvested in. When we speak about the Depth Model, and how results and behaviour are by-products of how we feel and what we believe, he nodes and agrees. Yet when his results plateau he doubles down on control, data, and structure. Interesting, right?
I call this the Surface Cycle. We stay in it until we are ready to leave. Simple as that, and nothing wrong with that. I look back at myself for decades in this cycle. I tried to change results by tracking more tightly. I tried to force different behaviour through systems, routines and self-chastising. Yet all of this left the root causes untouched, because it was all superficial. My results and behaviours were symptoms, not the source. Of all the managers, leaders, and coaches I spoke to over those twenty years, not a single person guided me towards this. Is it a secret? The silence was astounding, and in the end it became a personal revelation and discovery as I tried to understand myself and my life.
Today, having had the privilege of hearing 1000's of life stories, I see the loop. Like animal tracks, each set of feet builds a pattern that's clear to see. I see how we stay in it hacking, fixing, and forcing until something breaks through the noise. It may be decades, or even a lifetime, but it doesn't have to be. When things change it's always one of three things;
1) A moment of vulnerability, saying I am ready to look inside.
2) A timely connection to a person, a book, a thought.
3) A crisis, sometimes multiple, we don't always listen after just one.
These are the point where we recognise that surface strategies don't work and we become willing to go into our own depths to explore.
🎯 Takeaway The unconscious cannot be fixed through effort. It can only be revealed through awareness, and curiosity. Progress towards an extraordinary life begin when we stop tightening control and start turning attention inward.
Part 2: My Unquestioned Assumption
Awareness often begins in the smallest, most ordinary moments, commonly in the very moments we wish were not happening. This week, I noticed myself impacted in a moment like that, and I will share it here.
I was in conversation with a senior leader when I felt my state shift from light and clear to heavy, tense, and worried after just four words were spoken. The impact was immediate. My body tightened, my stomach churned, and I recognised a familiar off feeling. The words I heard made me feel as though I had made a horrible mistake, and in that instant I began to question my competence.
Later that night, the feeling was still there. This time I paused long enough to inquire more deeply. I was able to find the exact statement looping in my mind, it was "I complicated things". From there, I could explore how I feel about myself when I believed that thought. The answer is the thought made me I feel weak, ineffective, unprofessional and incompetent. Now that the thought was brought into the light of my awareness, I asked whether it was actually true that I had complicated things? Looking at it factually, it was not, in fact my approach was the simplest being discussed. I then I suddenly realised the person had been speaking about themselves and I had taken their words and turned them inward to reinforce an old limiting belief about myself. "See, I knew I was no good.". It was surprising how far a few words can go, how deep they can reach, and how blind I was in that moment.
Once I finished this process, the feeling and weight lifted immediately, I almost felt something leave my body, it was dramatic. This is one of the clearest examples I have had personally, and one of the quickest turnarounds on something that in the past I might have carried for days, or longer.
This how the unconscious operates every day, in our work moments, family moments, social moments. We project, protect, and perform without knowing what drives us. The body feels it before the mind does, and it continues to cycle until awareness interrupts it. If it is not questioned, it becomes accepted, another invisible limitation we live inside.
I love Byron Katie’s work, which invites us to ask four simple questions; 1) Is it true? 2) Can I absolutely know that it is true? 3) How do I react when I believe that thought? 4) Who would I be without the thought?
It's not enough to know these questions, or just read through them, they need to be applied. Your limiting beliefs need to feel the heat of these questions while you squirm as you separate yourself from the lie. Give me 2 minutes of your speech, and I can give you places to poke and question untruths. Our language is littered with should, must, and need statement, these words are the first sign of a mistruth. When we question a thought we free ourselves, as I did in the example above.
🎯 Takeaway Every emotional reaction is a message. When you feel contracted, pause before you act. Beneath the feeling sits a thought, and beneath that thought sits a belief waiting to be seen.
Part 3: The Childhood Patterns at Work
Workplaces and business provide the rich grounds for getting to know ourselves. They mirror back our patterns, our fears, and our unhealed parts more clearly than almost any other environment.
This week, two clients came to discuss work performance. On the surface, both situations could look like skill gaps, confidence challenges, or moments that needed more experience or training. Suggesting more courses, practice, or effort are the kinds of explanations that often pass as advice or even coaching. But they miss what is happening underneath. They dismiss the emotional reality of the person and overlook the mechanics unfolding right in front of us.
In both conversations, once the problem had been shared, we became curious about what parts of them were present in those moments, how those parts felt, and what they needed. This is the essence of Parts Work, and it is one of the most powerful frameworks I know. When integrated into coaching, it transforms the process from one of problem solving to one of self-understanding. Sometimes those parts are earlier versions of ourselves carrying memories of moments where a belief was formed, often long before we were aware of it. Those beliefs then quietly become the engine behind our professional drive and the filters through which we see the world.
What I love most about this work is witnessing the courage it takes to turn inward. Both clients arrived looking for answers about performance, not realising that what was showing up at work was something much older. They did not need validation or a fixed solution. They needed space to not know, and in their wonderful courage to be curious, in the stopping of needing certainty, their awareness opens. The moment we stop chasing clarity, it walks toward us.
That is what I love about integrating Parts Work into coaching. It helps people see what has always been there, right under their nose, and meet it with compassion instead of judgment. The process is gentle but profound. Awareness creates safety, and safety allows change.
🎯 Takeaway Performance problems are not performance problems.
Part 4: The Power of Naming
The hardest problems to solve are the ones we cannot see. I developed a 120-question diagnostic tool called The True Self Diagnostic to bring language to what sits beneath behaviour, emotion, and results.
Once something has a name, it can be understood, and once it is understood, it can change. Eventually, you release the names, but they are an essential entry point and one that is missing for most people. This week, I worked with four professionals and leaders exploring their diagnostic results, and it has been affirming to see how powerful this naming and conversation process is.
The True Self Diagnostic captures 120 data-points structured across 30 pillars which make up a a fully expressed life. Two pillars that featured strongly this week were Mental Non-Attachment and Grounded Presence, I'll share these with you now.
Most of us know what it's like when our mind holds on. Thoughts replay, tension builds, and rest feels impossible. This is the territory of Mental Non-Attachment, in this pillar we develop the ability to let go of what no longer needs to be carried. It invites the understanding that you are not your mind and not your thoughts. Just as the ocean has waves, the mind has thoughts. When this skill is open, perspective returns and calm follows naturally. When it is closed, the mind clings to thoughts, believes them, and tries to think its way out of thinking.
Grounded Presence is the experience of feeling safe inside your own body, of fully occupying your physical form. When this pillar is strong, our attention anchors easily and clarity arrives without effort because we are here, connected, and present. When it is closed, the nervous system stays on alert and the body forgets what ease feels like. Seeing this pattern changes how we approach regulation. It becomes less about managing and more about trusting.
This is the value of naming. It bridges what we feel but cannot explain, turning invisible mechanics into clear understanding. It connects what happens inside with what shows up outside, where insight becomes integration.
One free opportunity remaining. I’m opening a final place in beta-testing for The True Self Diagnostic. This week’s testing has been powerful, with participants saying they could finally name what was happening inside and take clear, practical steps forward. Interestingly, all five volunteers so far have been female, but I know men benefit just as much, so I’d love to see a male participant for this final spot, however regardless of gender let me know if you are interested. You’ll receive access to the diagnostic tool and a 90 minute one to one integration workshop with me, completely free. I simply ask for your feedback to help refine the tool and reach more people who could benefit. Message me if you’d like to take the final free spot.
🎯 Takeaway You cannot change what you cannot see. Naming patterns gives shape to what has been hidden and begins the process of real transformation.
Part 5: The Deeper Invitation
Across every session this week, one truth repeated itself. We cannot outthink the unconscious. We can only open our awareness through curiosity and courage, especially in the face of doubt and fear.
I could have chosen to bury and dismiss the uncomfortable feeling I had, but instead I turned toward it with curiosity and compassion.
Clients who met the parts of themselves that were suffering could have taken the usual advice to take another course, earn another certification, or just 'try harder'. But they did not., they chose to turn inward, to meet what was driving their experience instead of running from it. That single decision changes everything.
Volunteers for the True Self Diagnostic were curious and open to learn about themselves from a different perspective then engage in discovery conversation about their lives. All walked away with a deeper, first-hand understanding of themselves. Wonderful curiosity and courage.
Life on the surface feels busy and productive, but it loops endlessly until awareness enters. We can wait until something interrupts the pattern, or we can become conscious co-creators and drive forward into uncertainty, doubt and the unknown. The work of consciousness is not about fixing, but about seeing. Once something is seen clearly, the system begins to reorganise itself.
🎯 Takeaway Awareness is not an insight, it is a practice. The more we learn to see what drives us, the freer we become to choose differently.
👉 Is it time for change? Book a free strategy call. We'll explore where you are, and where you want to go.
💡 I help leaders, teams, and professionals unlock their full potential by uncovering the real patterns limiting decisions and behaviours.
